REAL TALK.

Breanna. Residing in 951, SoCali. TVHS. Trying to love life and everything it has to offer. Strong willed and open-minded. On a never ending journey of finding myself and being the best I can be. Above the influence and high on life.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Jason Mraz

—I Won't Give Up

twloha:

“I Won’t Give Up”
Jason Mraz

Dear friend,

You have been hurting. You have been moving through your days slower, weighed down and broken by what life has bestowed upon you. While you smile, there is pain clutching on to your heart and pulling you down. Your smile has been replaced with a resolute indifference. You are angry and scared. You’ve been pushing me away in my best efforts to comfort you and hold you tight. You aren’t yourself.

Do you remember that trip we took in the summer of 2009? You had just lost your job and your house, your cat and your car, a dear friend and even a glimmer of hope, and all that remained was your desire for something more. A promise of a brighter tomorrow. We traveled north and found ourselves on the banks of Lake Michigan on a cold day in July. The lake expanded farther than we could see, and as we stood there in the wind, hands clutched tightly, we prayed.

You closed your eyes and a tear fell and in that moment you chose life. You chose to push forward, and you chose to hold on to hope even when it didn’t feel possible. You were uncertain at first, but that decision pushed you toward a life that brought you joy and true happiness. A life that you couldn’t have known if you had made another choice. A life that still exists, though it’s hard to see through the unsettled dust of the chaos you’re fighting.

Friend, you are stronger than you believe.

Last night someone told you that you have an honesty and a compassion that others do not and that until you can love yourself, they will love you. You rolled your eyes and you dug your feet into the sand, but you tucked those words into your pocket, desperate to hold them as truth. You whispered the words to yourself through the night while you slept.

I believe in your strength. I believe that you have what it takes to pull yourself out of this place. You are good enough. You are worth it. You are capable.

I will not leave you. You are not alone as you try your best to figure this out. Some days are harder than others. Some days life seems like too much, but know that I am here making the journey with you. When things feel too heavy, when it gets too dark, I’ll be there. I’ll carry you when you can’t carry yourself.

We will stand firm. We will choose hope. We will push through this. We will see a brighter day. Tomorrow the sun will rise and we will face the light and know that we chose an uncertain life, but a life filled with joys we don’t yet understand. We will walk strong and hold ourselves high. Though the pain still has a grasp on our heart, with each step toward hope, its grip will loosen, and we’ll persevere.

“I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough. We’ve got a lot to learn, but God knows we’re worth it.”

With love,
Holly

(via mariahashleyc)

Written on May 25, 2012.

I lay here in bed, thinking, what happened to me? I had so much wisdom; so many morals and values. I could just lay here awake all night trying to figure it out. It intreagues me, but at the same time aggravates me. I used to adore friends, love, school and life. But now, I doubt if I should even be living it. It’s so heartbreaking, how in touch with myself I used to be. I used to know what I needed and wanted, and now I barely know if I deserve anything at all. As if I’ve slipped away from a strong soul, and fell into the arms of a stranger. And the question continues, what happened to me? I used to understand the important role I play in people’s lives. But now, it’s like I’m no different than a floating piece of dust. I cry more in a month than I used to a year. I’ve changed dramatically. But that aggravating question still screams in my mind, what happened to me? I used to walk out the door everyday completely confident and ready to tackle the rest of the day ahead of me. Sure, I’d have my ups and downs. But I knew how to deal with them. Now, I can barely look at myself in the mirror without feeling some sort of disappointment. And now my way of dealing with problems is simply cutting. In my heart I know it’s wrong, but my mind feels its the only way to cope with my issues. Almost as if addicted to a drug. I used to love learning and doing anything that would benefit my future. I’d do extra credit work, get excellent test scores, complete all of my homework… and now, I’m the laziest person I have ever met. Everything I can do to succeed in my life is sitting right in the palm of my hands. But I still continue to take it for granted. Its so depressing to know I’ve changed in the worst of ways. When I reminisce… all I do is cry, and cry, and cry. Aren’t you supposed to be happy? Or at the least bit smile? I think I just need to pray at this point. I need some true, comforting advice. What I really need the answer to is, “what happened to me?”

Written on September 22, 2009.

Why is my life in the ruins of the past? I can’t let it go, because it hurts that bad to try. I can’t do anything without a mess up. I am known for doing the dumbest things. In fact, a lot of people hate me because they feel the pain from my pain. And I hate it. If only anyone out there, anyone at all came out to approach me to comfort me. Just comfort, no talk, no argue, no drama. Just the relaxation of that persons arms around my soul. My eager, aching soul searching for that hug. And that’s all I want. Maybe a simple, “I am always here for you”. But no, I’ve never gotten that. Because no one suspects it. It’s hidden, deep under my skin. Just there, in the destination for my veins, but no one is willing to look deep enough. Just the outside is what they see. The want-to-fit-in, me. No comfort, no nothing. It cuts so deep, knowing this has never happened. Finally it comes out. But like anyone reads my writing, right? No one will see this, because no one cares enough to just go a little deeper. The other side of Breanna Janelle Serna. Born on the day I was assigned to be, even though I belong in this world, I simply doubt I deserve to.


-Is this when it all started?

I’m tired ok.

Today, I did some thinking; and some vague thinking at that. It almost felt as if everything I needed to be concerned or worried about rushed through my head a thousand miles an hour. I felt frustrated but at the same time wise, because I was realizing what I needed done with those things. But now comes the vague part, it wasn’t clear what it was I needed. It was like it was there, then it wasn’t. Almost like an incomplete epiphany. It’s almost like I’m empty, like it’s the reason why I walk around confused, irritated, and not quite happy all the time. How am I supposed to find those desperate solutions when I can’t even find myself, it seems like. I hate it. And one annoying aspect I deal with, about myself, is that I’m so busy with trying to make my problems different from everyone else’s, that I lose sight on the actual problem. “Just chill the fuck out, Breanna. Focus on your own bs.” But I can’t. Because my problems turn into multiple problems. And now I’m back to the drawing board with this mind full of frustrations. It literally feels as if an aggravated child has scribbled on the inside of my mind with crayons. I can’t ever think straight, or peacefully. I’m so stressed when I don’t need to be, and I’m so lonely when I shouldn’t be. I guess I try to make my problems seem different, so someone will notice it. Because no one ever really does. And I’m not trying to catch attention, I don’t give a flying fuck about who or how much someone gives me attention. I could chill in a bathroom alone and be content. But anyways, I just really want those people in my life that notice those little bits and pieces about me and doesn’t just annoyingly ask, “what’s wrong?” or “are you ok?”, because seriously, I’m sick of that shit. Just pull me aside, I don’t care where I am, drag me away if you have to, and just say it,” tell me what’s going through your mind”. Feed me something different. The same old shit gets old. Really, it does.